How to regulate a dysregulated nervous system

Tim wakes up every morning to a blaring alarm. He is pulled violently out of a restful sleep into an immediate state of arousal. He stumbles to the shower already ruminating about his day ahead. About getting to work on time, about everything that needs to be done, about how he is going to fit it all in. His stress levels have begun to rise. 

After his shower he says good-morning to his girlfriend as she’s getting out of bed. She mumbles something back, and he sees her look away with a frown as she walks into the bathroom. He feels himself nose-dive inside. Have I done something wrong? Is she pissed off with me? He makes his way to the kitchen feeling ashamed and sad but not knowing why. When his girlfriend comes out to the kitchen she seems fine, but he wonders if he can sense a sharp tone to her voice? Why can’t she just tell him what’s wrong, instead of playing these games? He feels angry that she’s giving him these signals but not  telling him what’s really going on. He has a double shot of coffee and notices a sense of anxiety in his chest. As they talk over breakfast he feels distant and he’s worried about upsetting her. He can’t shake the sense that he’s done something wrong, and he begins to space out, talking across the table as if from the other side of an ocean… 

Tim has a dysregulated nervous system because of a traumatic past. He doesn’t realise it, but he is fluctuating between states of hyperarousal and hypoarousal. Between over activation and underactivation. He is constantly scanning the social environment for threat and unsafety, biased to look for reasons to confirm his ingrained sense that something is wrong. His day has barely begun and already his imbalanced nervous system is causing major issues in his personal life. His days are spent ping-ponging between these states without realising what is going on. 

Tim needs to learn how to regulate his nervous system. When it comes to learning how to regulate the nervous system, there are two main ways to go about it: co-regulation and self-regulation. 

Co-regulation

This means being able to achieve a state of balance and calm through being in relationship with another. This can be extremely difficult in cases of relational trauma, because relationships are the source of fear. But if we can learn to trust another, over time, we can learn to rely on others to help us stay calm, relaxed and regulated. Tim might express to his girlfriend that he feels as if he has upset her, to which she might respond that, no, he hasn’t done anything wrong, she was just tired getting out of bed. 

We all develop being co-regulated by our caregivers, which we eventually learn to internalise in order to self regulate. But when we haven’t learnt how to do this, we can struggle with it later in life. Other ways to co-regulate involve group and social activities such as sports, yoga, singing, dancing or just simply walking with another person. There need not be any talking, just another body who isn’t a threat. 

Self-regulation

This means being able to regulate our nervous systems by ourselves, using our own internal resources. Tim might have recognised that his perception of his girlfriends brief look may have been wrong, and instead of ruminating, he could have brought his attention to slow, deep breathing in order to feel more calm and relaxed. 

Variations of self-regulatory activities abound. People use movement and exercise, breathing, imagery exercises, bathing, mindfulness, grounding through the 5 senses, solo walking and pretty much any activity which makes us feel calm, safe and connected. It all depends on what works for each individual. 

It is essential that we have some regulatory practices in life. They keep us grounded. They keep us sane.