Saying hello again
The idea of “saying hello” to someone who has died might seem strange. Culturally, we still carry with us the idea that grieving is about saying goodbye and letting go (see post on the history of grief). The Australian therapist Michael White offers the “saying hello again” metaphor as an alternate to the dominant “saying good-bye” metaphor. White is a narrative therapist, and for him metaphors and stories are not just playful ways of engaging the world. For him, “stories provide the structure of life”. He says that stories are not just mirrors, or explanations, of life, they shape life. The effect of stories is not imagined, but real. So when we talk about cultural metaphors, and other shared ways of making meaning which we absorb through the culture, we are talking about the ways we define and create ourselves. Although we may not be aware of it, many grief researchers and anthropologists have pointed out that on some level we tend to hold the belief that grief work in this culture is about “saying good-bye”.
White noted that in his work many clients struggled with the idea of letting go of their loss, and that many suffered for many years attempting to do so. He began to experiment with alternative ways of working through grief. He found that the “saying hello again” process was extremely helpful for people. It allowed them to feel less burdened by the loss and to continue feeling connected to their loved one. It allowed them to view themselves from the deceased persons perspective. It was only after reconnecting, not letting go, that their grief was “resolved” and “worked through”. This idea is also supported by the work of anthropologist Barbara Myerhoff:
Freud . . . suggests that the completion of the mourning process requires that those left behind develop a new reality which no longer includes what has been lost. But . . . it must be added that full recovery from mourning may restore what has been lost, maintaining it through incorporation into the present. Full recollection and retention may be as vital to recovery and wellbeing as forfeiting memories. (p. 111)
“Saying hello again” is a beautiful, if difficult, way to work through the process of grief. It is a very human approach, and one which connects us with our core humanity – feelings of love.
Some ways of “saying hello again” include:
- Visiting and connecting with physical places associated with comfort
- Writing down, speaking of or expressing positive memories
- Particular smells, sounds, songs, textures, tastes, dances….
- What is it about this person that you wish to carry with you? What is their legacy?
- Create or discover helpful rituals
Instead of thinking about grief as a process of learning to “say good-bye”, we might consider doing the exact opposite, and learn new ways to “say hello again”.
Sources
Ruskay, S. (1996). Saying hello again: A new approach to bereavement counseling. The Hospice Journal, 11(4), 5-14.
