The psychology of trauma bonding

One of the worst things you can say to a victim of an abusive relationship is “why don’t you just leave?” However, it is not immediately obvious why this question is so unhelpful, and why it fundamentally misunderstands the nature of the problem. The reason that people remain in abusive relationships has to do with the most powerful emotional attachment that can develop in human relationships: the trauma bond. 

Trauma bonding differs from normal human relating in that it is based on fear, rather than trust. The bond is built on fear, and it is the underlying fear which keeps the person in the relationship. Whether conscious or not, the person feels on some level that if they leave the relationship, they will be in mortal danger. 

In their paper on the dynamics of emotional attachments in abusive relationships, Dutton and Painter (1993) outline the ingredients necessary for a trauma bond to develop. They define two crucial characteristics: 1) power imbalance and 2) intermittent good-bad behavior. These two characteristics drive the cycle of relational abuse. 

Usually, as time goes on in such a relationship, the power imbalance gradually begins to shift, so that the victim begins to feel more negative about themselves and more in need of the dominant other. This dynamic of power and powerlessness operates in a kind of homeostasis. The increase in power toward one member of the relationship corresponds to a decrease in power of the other. 

The other crucial factor is that in these relationships the abuse tends to occur intermittently. The relationship fluctuates between periods of abuse and periods of attention and affection. The tension and psychological pain of the abusive periods gets intermittently relieved. The sense of relief that occurs in those periods of contrition maintains the bond, as the negative arousal and fear is for a time removed. This dynamic also tends to maintain the power imbalance. In moments of being treated well, there is a tendency to diminish the memories and severity of the abuse.

It is often difficult for people to recognise they are in a trauma bonded relationship, and breaking the cycle can be a long and exhausting process. It is important to remember that there is no stronger bond than a trauma bond, and that it requires great effort and great courage to get out of. We must understand how it works, so as to reduce the judgement and stigma on the victims of these relationships. With the help of a therapist, a support group, or various agencies, it is possible to get free from these toxic relationships, and live life on your own terms.

Source

Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. (1993). Emotional attachments in abusive relationships: A test of traumatic bonding theory. Violence and victims, 8(2), 105-120.